The Tech of the Clans
by not-another-blond
Summary: Another Warriors parody. This time, they've found technology. They have become... civilized. ohstarclanno Somebody find me a better story name.
1. Chapter 1

"Berrynose!"

"Whassamatter."

"Berrynose!"

"Wha… wha…"

"Berrynose?"

"Shuddupporimgonnakillyou."

"Berrynose!"

"Agh!"

With a grunt, the cream colored tom heaved awake and stumbled to his paws. Grumbling, he staggered towards the door and exhibited a display of such drama, he couldn't _help _but wake up his beloved mate.

"Oh, my sunglasses!" he screeched. "They got all sideways when I slept. Oh, my beautiful leather jacket. It's covered with moss! And oh, my motorbike. Cherrykit! Molekit! Get the foxdung off of my motorbike before I come out there and kick your fuzzy behinds!"

Squeaking, the kits tumbled into their mother, Poppyfrost, who gazed up at Berrynose.

"Oh, Berrynose, where are you going, sweet darling lovey dove?" she cooed, causing the warriors sleeping nearby to wake up and run into the bushes. Sounds of retching followed.

"Tell the kids to get off my bike," he snapped.

"Will do, sweetums," she said in such a sweet, high-pitched voice that all of the cats within a mile got a disease called Poppyfrost-itis (which involves nausea and Poppyfrost-phobia). She then proceeded to pick up the kits in her gums (her teeth had rotted because of the sweetness of her voice) and carry them into the nursery. The kits were immune to Poppyfrost-itis, having experienced it since they were concieved.

Berrynose watched her go, then resumed shrieking about the state of his sunglasses.

"Berrynose!" came that whining, nasal voice from the medicine den. Berrynose grunted and swaggered into the den.

"Waddaya want, Jayfeather." Ending all of his questions in periods enforced his coolness.

"Go collect more catmint. Stick wants it!" Jayfeather screeched, shoving the pointy end of his stick into Berrynose's face. Berrynose stumbled backwards, protesting. "Okay, okay. I'll get the catmint. Wait, do you want catmint or catnip?"

"Catmint," snapped Jayfeather.

"'Kay, 'cause the Erins call it catmint in the first book when we weren't born, but then they started calling it catnip."

"I know," Jayfeather retorted. "But catmint is the most recent version. Did you hear? Catmint V.3 is out today!"

"I know!" Berrynose snapped back, forgetting to end all his sentences in periods. "My mom's gotten her Twolegs got the most recent version because she's insanely rich and doesn't care about saving up for retirement!"

"Shut the foxdung up and get the catmint!"

"You shut the foxdung up!"

"No, you!"

"Foxdung head!"

"Foxdung breath!"

"Boys, boys," came a breathy voice from the entrance. Berrynose felt himself get dizzy. Blossomfall's beautiful face lit up the den, sucking out the air and filling the den with light, and Berrynose began to pant from lack of oxygen. Jayfeather breathed in the scent of his stick and stuck his head out of the den to get a breath of air.

"Liek, stp saying teh f word in front of teh kits!" Blossomfall breathed.

"What F word, foxdung?"

"Shut up," snarled Blossomfall, turning into a scary black furball with red eyes.

Jayfeather backed away. "Okay, okay. Fine. Can I say mousedung?"

Blossomfall shrunk back into a cat. "Whatevrz," she tossed over her shoulder. "I'm, like, going to drool over Lionz wiz the rest of the young female warriorz."

Jayfeather snarled at Berrynose, who had fainted from lack of air, and began artificial respiration. Berrynose came flailing back to life, hitting Jayfeather in the head with a paw. Jayfeather screamed in pain, then pointed his stick at Berrynose. "Watch it, kid," he warned. "I've got a stick and I'm not afraid to…"

"Get back to work, you mousebrain cats!" screamed the authoress from the heavens. "I told you to stay on the storyline! Do you want to lose your jobs?"

"… Go get the stupid catmint!" Jayfeather changed the subject in the middle of the sentence. Berrynose didn't seem to find this strange. He stuck his tongue out at Jayfeather before going to get the catmint.

"Why do I haaaaaaave to?" he moaned, waking up the apprentices as he stumbled past their den. "I don' waaaaaaaaaaaaaanna!"

"Berrynose, mah trainee," rumbled Thornclaw, swaggering up to Berrynose. "Ya can't furget to be cool. Cool peeps don' whine, kitty. Cool peeps mumble."

"'Kay," Berrynose mumbled.

"And how many times have Ah told ya. Ya gotta end all yo' sentences in periods, or ya ain't cool. Cool peeps don' exclaim, Berrynose. Cool peeps don' question. Cool peeps go wit' the flow."

"'Kay," Berrynose mumbled.

"Berrynose! Go get the catnip!" Jayfeather was at Berrynose's throat instantly. "Remember, I've got a stick, and I'm not afraid to-"

"Get back to WORK!" yelled the authoress again. "Do you want me paying into your 401(k) or not?"

"-get the stupid catmint!" Jayfeather continued as though nothing had happened, although he glanced nervously at the sky as he said it.

"I am," mumbled Berrynose, pushing Jayfeather off of him and slouching towards the exit.


	2. Chapter 2

Meanwhile, Dovewing came awake flailing and screeching. "Mai hot pink iPhone!" she screamed. "Where iz it?"

She shoved her paw inside of a magical furry pocket and pulled out an iPhone in a shade so neon orange it half-blinded the cats closest to her. Ivypool woke up to hear the most annoying buzzy chatter from her sister.

"OMG, liek, I knowz! So then, I told Berryz, I know u r but whut m I? And then, he said, like, Doveyz! Ya, like, needz to show more respectz for teh senior warriorz! Yarly! I _so _pwned him! Roflmaobbq! And then, I like, called Minnowz, and she saiz she sawz Willowz, and she wuz, like, so hot wiz her makeup! Kestrelz, liek, ttly asked her ouuuttt! O, o, guess wut, guess wut happn'd todaaaaaay? Like, guesssssss?" Dovewing paused. "I ate a sqrrel, and den I like, lost, like, a whole pouuuuuund!" She paused again. Her eyes widened, and she squealed with glee. "Norly? With a pineapple? And he sayd that? Like, no wayz! Can't believe I miss'd it!"

Several hours later, Dovewing's minutes ran out. She threw a tantrum, sobbed into her nest, and fell asleep, grieving.

Ivypool groaned and rolled over. She hated phones. Every she-cat, and most of the toms, now owned one. Ivypool gazed at her own sensible LG smartphone that was the color of her eyes. The only reason she had used it so far was to report border crossings by those pesky ShadowClan cats.

"My wireless is too slow!" screamed a voice from the back of the den.

When Stormfur had set up a wireless network, they had all fallen in love with it. It was officially named The InterClan Message, Email, & Online Photo Sharing Database, but that name was too long, so the Clans knew it by the acronym, TIc-ME-OPhS.

Mothwing had designed a chatroom so that they could have their Gatherings online. It was only supposed to be used once, during the full moon, but it was quickly discovered by the warriors that they could use it any time of the day. They all had Facebook accounts as well. Her least favorite tom had offered to friend her at least once a day, as well as constantly spamming her with messages such as: _C me the river at moonhi, Ivypool. _

"Heeeeeeyyy, Ivypaaaaw," droned a cool male voice from the entrance. Ivypool groaned and rolled over, gazing up at the gray tom adjusting his sunglasses. Ivypool stood up, stretched, and walked right past Bumblestripe without glancing at him. The tom's disappointed look only lasted for a second. Ivypool jumped aside as Bumblestripe charged past her, picked up a vole in his teeth, and dropped it at her feet.

"I'll get my own, thank you," she meowed, secretly snickering at the betrayed look on his face. "This one is moldy." She turned the vole over to show him where his teeth had pierced it. "See? Something punctured the skin, and now it's rotting."

The vole wasn't rotting. Bumblestripe gazed sadly into Ivypool's blue eyes as she bristled at him.

"What happened between you and Dovewing?" asked Ivypool. Bumblestripe shook his head. "She likes Tigerheart now. The warrior code doesn't matter anymore."

It was true. The warrior code had been neglected ever since they had discovered the first pair of sunglasses.

"Ooooh, Bumblez, u just got re-jec-ted!" They jumped as Blossomfall broke their gaze. Ivypool snatched up the vole and snapped, "I'm giving this to the elders," before dashing off. Bumblestripe hissed as Blossomfall nudged him.

"I don't know what went wrooooooong," he mumbled, drawing out his vowels so as to be cool as possible. The she-cats sighed in sympathy. Blossomfall breathed in his ear, "U gotta sho her yer stylez, Bumblez!"

Icecloud, Rosepetal, and Cinderheart gathered around him and chorused, "U gotta show her wut yer wurth!"

"Did you plan this out to make me feel stupid or something?" muttered Bumblestripe.

"He'z onto us," hissed Blossomfall, and the other she-cats giggled, waltzing away to the fresh-kill pile.

**A.N.- YAYY A NEW CHAPTER! WOOT WOOT! I also added a bit on to the first chapter because I felt like it.**


	3. Chapter 3

Berrynose came stumbling out of the medicine den at that moment, wincing in the sunlight. Muttering under his breath, he adjusted his sunglasses and hopped on his motorbike.

Daisy leaned out of the nursery and immediately began to speak in her nasally voice. "Berrynose, if you go out in the forest without a-"

_Zoom._

"-Crash helmet…"

Berrynose skidded through the forest. Scaring away prey and predators alike, he swerved only to avoid trees, and sometimes not even then.

"Is that a jump I see ahead?" he hooted. "Woohoo!"

He roared ahead, passing a 20 MPH road sign and a terrified fox, and his front tire hit the beginning of a hollowed-out log, which formed a jump that was perfect for a stupid cat armed with a motorbike.

In slow motion, Berrynose flew up the ramp, off the end, and into the air, bringing his hindquarters off of the seat and holding on tight with his hands. His mouth opened in a grimace of glee. "WAAAAHHHOOOOO!" he screamed as the back tire of his bike hit the ground, catapulting him into the bushes of catmint.

Berrynose sat up, dazed, with a mouth full of catmint. The sun was unusually bright. He felt on top of his head. "Agh Waugh!" he cried. "Mauh fugwafed!"

He swallowed the catmint in his mouth and cried out again: "My sunglasses!"

He dug through the leaves of distinct minty smell. They wouldn't disappear! How dare they? Berrynose began to eat the catmint, clearing it away to find his sunglasses.

"No!" he wailed. "They're broken!"

He flung himself down on the catmint and burst into tears. "Why, StarClan, why?"

After a while, his sobs receded, and he sat up with a grin on his face. "Mah starry in the sky kitteh committeh!" he called, stretching his paws towards the sun. "Gimmeh strength tuh face teh noo dey!"

He hopped on his motorbike and sped through the forest, chopping trees in half. He frowned at the gas pedal. "Fastah!" he called. "Fastah!" He stamped hard on the gas and zoomed over the 20 MPH sign, not stopping until he ran into a tree. He flew through the air for the second time that day and landed on his face in the middle of the camp.

"Berrynose!" yowled Firestar, jumping down from the Highrock. "Are you okay? Speak to me, my friend!"

Berrynose slowly sat up, the grin still on his face. "I can haz cheezburger?" he gasped, and hugged Firestar. "Tank u, mah kitteh committeh!"

Firestar responded smoothly. He hugged Berrynose back and led him to the medicine den. "Wait here for Jayfeather, my friend. StarClan be with you, always!" Beaming, he backed out of the den.

Berrynose frowned as he sat down. "Mah tail," he muttered. "Wher doz it goh?"

He spotted it twitching next to his haunches and dashed after it, screaming, "Coem bak heer, u n00b!"

Jayfeather slowly approached with the attitude of a condemned soul. He sniffed Berrynose and nodded knowingly. "Catmint," he pronounced with a solemn look in his blind eyes.

"Well, we knew that!" screeched Firestar, popping his head back in. "How do we CURE it?"

Jayfeather sat in thought, scratching his chin. Firestar waited impatiently.

"Hmmmmm…" he muttered.

After an hour of scratching and waiting, Firestar went to get Stormfur. "The Jayfeather's frozen again."

"Darn these Dell models!" cursed Stormfur, getting up from where he was showing Molekit how to set up an email account. He followed the leader into the clearing and went into the medicine den. Firestar waited again.

Several sparks leapt out of the medicine den. A screech sounded. Firestar rolled his eyes.

A blue tongue of flame shot out of the entrance, scorching the warriors den from where it sat ten feet away. Firestar scratched an itchy spot behind his ear and flicked his tail once.

Berrynose stumbled out of the den and resumed chasing his tail. "Ah want mai chezburger!" he yowled. He staggered towards the nursery, tripped over his tail, and knocked himself out on a rock.

A scream from inside the den startled Firestar to his paws.

"Great StarClan!" Stormfur charged out of the medicine den.

"What's wrong, friend?" asked Firestar in a cordial tone.

Stormfur's ears flattened. "He's shut down!" The gray tom dragged the medicine cat out by the scruff. Jayfeather was stiff, sitting in the same position he had been an hour ago.

"AH WANT MAH CHEZBURGER!" squealed Berrynose from the ground, where he had just woken up.

Heads began appearing from the den entrances. Lionblaze adjusted his sunglasses and swaggered out. "What's goin' oooonnn, maaaaaan?" he drawled.

Jayfeather's blue eyes went blank. He fell over.

"Noooo!" yowled Leafpool. "My son! My only son!"

"What am I, chopped liver?" cried Lionblaze, forgetting his coolness instantly.

"Oh, no! I'm so sorry I've forgotten you, Lionblaze! How will I ever repay you?" Leafpool burst into tears and ran from the camp.

**A.N.- A NEW CHAPTER! Whoop whoop! Please review my other parody, the Chatroom of the Clans, and give me some ideas to continue.**


	4. Chapter 4

Meanwhile, back in the apprentice den, Dovewing's eyes popped open. After her tantrum, she was feeling much better. Instantly, the gray she-cat with the ever-changing eyes slipped her hand into a pocket and pulled out her iPhone 4. The case for the iPhone (which had changed somehow while she was sleeping) was so shockingly pink that all the apprentices near her were temporarily blinded. Dovewing's current boyfriend, Foxleap, poked his head into the den. "Dovewing," he said. "Liek, what have I told you about that cover. It's uncool. Use the cover I gave you."

Dovewing sighed and pulled off the blinding cover. Then she took out a different one. This one had a picture of Foxleap on it, wearing sunglasses and leaning on Berrynose's motorbike. She snapped on the cover.

"Liek, Foxyz!" she cried. "U sayd u wuz goin 2 get me, liek, a cover, with, liek, a pic of Tigerheart, liek, with his shirt off!1one1!1!"

"I haven't gott'n to it yet, Dovewing."

"Thts so uncool!1!11!1!"

"HOW DARE YOU CALL ME UNCOOL. I AM THE KING OF COOL. DO YOU HEAR ME." Even in his floofed out anger, Foxleap still remembered to end all of his sentences in a period.

"But, liek, Foxyz! I wan' him! Hes mah man!11one11!1!11! He's, liek, cool'r then u!11!"

Despite her improper grammar and lolspeak, Foxleap still deciphered the meaning behind the words. His fur floofed out further, choking Ivypool as it wrapped around Dovewing.

"Go clean the elders den."

"But I dont wan'ta!1!11! Ur, liek, so ttly not mah mentr!"

"Too bad. Put on that cover. Liek, now."

"Foxyz!1111!"

Foxleap lost his temper. "GO CLEAN THE ELDERS' DEN RIGHT NOW OR YOU'LL BE SEARCHING FOR TICKS FOR THE NEXT MOON!"

"O." There was no overuse of exclamation points in Dovewing's voice now. "K-k, then. Foxyz. Will do."

Foxleap and Dovewing left in a huff, leaving behind a disoriented Ivypool. Ivypool looked down at Dovewing's iPhone on the floor. Dovewing's iPhone had ten pages of apps, all disorganized across the pages. On the current slide, Ivypool caught a glimpse of Skype, Facebook, Twitter, Flickr, Tumblr, Angry Birds (all editions), and the local Warriors blogging site, Huntr. Ivypool pulled out her own SmartPhone and placed it next to her sister's. Her own phone's apps were neatly organized into folders labeled Training, Games, and Free Time. Sighing, Ivypool opened up the folder "Free Time" and clicked on Full Moon, Mothwing's chat app.

Immediately a message popped up.

_Hi, Ivypool! How's it going in the Clan?_

Who was it from? Her eyes slid to the profile icon. The picture was a tiny icon of a river with a star in it. The username was riverleader. A smile crept across Ivypool's mouth, and she replied.

_Okay. Lionblaze and Dovewing fought again. She wants an iPhone case with a picture of Tigerheart on it._

The cat replied. _gag _the message said.

_I know. She wants it by tomorrow or she'll use her powers on him._

_How will her powers affect him?_

_She'll listen to him and Cinderheart when they're alone together…_

_EWW!_

Ivypool grinned at the chat. She hadn't had a normal conversation with a normal cat for so long…

It had all started last moon, when a truck (then known as a monster) had rolled over on the highway (then known as the Thunderpath). The Styrofoam wrapped packages had spilled into the lake and floated peacefully to each of the Clans. There had been about ten packages for ThunderClan, each containing three of what they learned to be laptops. Ivypool sighed as she sank into memories…

_"Look!" Dovewing had shrieked, pointing with her ears towards the lakeshore. Ivypool glanced over, but seeing nothing, she turned away. Lionblaze, however, turned away from her and sat attentively, looking towards Dovewing. "What do you see, O Farseeing One?"_

_Dovewing's eyes clouded over. "I see… a great change for all the Clans… we will become… like Twolegs!"_

_Ivypool squeaked almost inaudibly and Lionblaze immediately lashed out at her, biting her on the shoulder and drawing blood. He clawed off a tuft of fur from her flank and hissed in her ear, "Next time, don't interrupt Dovewing when she's speaking!"_

_Ivypool began to wash her wounds and followed as the two cats went down to the lakeshore. Gathered on the rocks were several sodden pieces of what they would later learn was cardboard._

_"Looks ruined to me," Ivypool muttered. Lionblaze gave her a warning growl but stopped when Dovewing started speaking._

_"What they contain is more important than their wrappings. We can get it off."_

_The two cats then began to tear off the wrappings, carefully making sure that they didn't damage the contents. Ivypool hung back, watching._

_Soon the contents of Lionblaze's package spilled out. Lionblaze caught them. There were three identical black squares. There was a slit running around three sides of the squares. Lionblaze ran his claw between the slit and it popped open, revealing a black screen. The object had a set of buttons on its side that had characters on them, all of them different. By pressing each of the buttons, shaking the screen, and jumping up and down and cursing at it, Lionblaze managed to make the black screen turn white. Several characters appeared in it. Immediately words popped into Ivypool's head. "Windows 7," she read. Lionblaze lashed out, ready to jump on her, but a blue starry cat materialized between them. _

_"Bluestar!" Dovewing cried._

_"Lionblaze," said Bluestar. "You must not harm Ivypool anymore. She is the translator of Twolegs! She will teach you how to use these devices! And while all of you submerge yourselves in this new thing, she will remain sane! StarClan has given her the power of Twoleg reading! You must learn about this new thing we call "technology"! It is your… DESTINY!" Bluestar began fading from view, clutching her heart. The three cats stared at each other with their mouths open._

_Bluestar reappeared. "Come on! Don't you know how to help make my exit dramatic? You can do better than that! Let's try again!" She began to fade again. "Your… DESTINY!"_

_Dovewing's mouth stretched to its full extent, touching the ground._

_"Now, really!" Bluestar appeared again, looking cross. "Let's go through this step by step. I say DESTINY! You say OOOOOOOH! I fade dramatically while Ivypool and Lionblaze look at me and Dovewing keels over in a dead faint. Now, from the top!"_

_"Why do I have to faint?' complained Dovewing. "Isn't it enough that I carry the weight of StarClan on my shoulders, without having to faint first?"_

_Bluestar looked stern. "Because you're a wimp. Now, from the top!"_

_Bluestar rose majestically in the air. "It is your… DESTINY!"_

_"Ooh." Lionblaze muttered. Bluestar looked pleased as she began to fade, until only her grin showed. Then her grin slowly faded, too._

_"Wait!" Dovewing cried, and Bluestar's grin froze. "Wrong book! Wrong book! I've read that book! It's Alice in Wonderland! We're not in that book!"_

_"Ahem!" called the authoress from the heavens. "You haven't learned how to read yet, Dovewing! You never read Alice in Wonderland! Jeez! Get with the program unless you don't want to get your pay raise!"_

_Bluestar's grin faded and Dovewing keeled over in a dead faint. And the changing of the Clans began._

**A.N.- YAAAAAY!**


End file.
